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old made [Dec. 15th, 2015|11:05 am]

Could that really have been it?
Was it really like a switch, all these years?
Why are we human if we operate like machines?

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encore et encore et encore et encore [Nov. 24th, 2015|11:31 pm]

Once again on the subject of learning lessons: timing is everything.

Though a lesion in a very old tree, or a very young one, may kill it, a wounded young adult tree will simply scar, and build itself up around its deformity.

I am thus primed by destiny to be entering a very eventful time in my life. I think I was right to be scared, and it can't hurt to keep my wits about me now. It can't hurt to accept in advance that there will be difficulties coming that I can't avoid, and problems I cannot solve.

Maybe this should bother me more or less than it does. I would guess more, but that would be underestimating my ability to catch myself off guard.

We are still at war, here, remember?

Did you think there was an armistice?

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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2015|11:00 pm]
Preserve this beautiful thing.

When you are anywhere else but here, reflect on what it is to be you, right now.

These are the good old days.
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A new Revelation [Sep. 29th, 2015|10:19 pm]
If I were a part of those wise old ways, I’d say “look, I had a dream about it” and the heavens and earth alike would cleave before me. It wouldn’t matter that he’s a noisemaker for eighteenth-year veterans or that I can’t figure out what red and blue wig he wears at night, for I would happily curl deep within our modern dominion.

This kind of magic is hard to fake. It’s hard to acknowledge. It’s hard to beat. But it’s there, and would that it were so simple to pass your destiny from cupped hands to cupped hands, with time slipping like holy water through the cracks in our fingers.

Even if I had a chance at being wise and ignorant, even if I should waive my soul and experience waking dark and solemn on these mortal days, I would not seize what I dream about. There is no keyhole to this locked door. There is no you and me, no twentieth-century fantasy of beaches and creatures and bad cell signal. This is the reality. This is what's underneath those skirts. It could never end with a whimper.
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(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2015|12:00 am]

I don't ever have nightmares. But, sometimes my mind does this crazy awesome horror reel just before I fall asleep. It's insane. I literally just lay there, totally impressed with the number of rapid-fire images of terror just streaming across my consciousness.

I have always been surprised that none of it ever actually makes it to my dreams. You would think that as one is drifting off, that's when you'd be the most susceptible.


Just wanted to share. And also share that while meditating today (something I've recently been trying on, to no apparent effect) Patrick Swayze was the thought I could not banish. So odd. Goodnight!

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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2015|10:46 pm]
I feel all busted up.

I've been asking too much of my body these past few days, and it's been so accommodating, but now I just ache all over. Too much sun and too much climbing.

Just had a fantastic vacation with my sisters.

We went to St. Louis, which really doesn't strike me as a place where one goes on vacation, but honestly we did so many great things! The greatest, in my opinion, was petting stingrays.

Okay, so for a while at the zoo near here, there has been a stringray exhibit, and for some reason I have never been even the least bit intrigued by that. Mostly, I think, because I get bristly at the very idea of paying more for something I've already paid for. I'm not a fan of adding "extras".

But at the St. Louis Zoo, which is FREE, it is FREE to pet the stingrays for the first hour that the zoo is open! So, since we were up anyway we went.

Man are those things cute!

They ranged from about a foot across to about 4 feet across. And they looooved to be touched. You just put your hand in, and they fly right under it - they even come up to brush against your hand if you don't reach down to them. The little ones were soft and slimy, and the big ones were hard and rough. But all super cute and super friendly.

"Petting" and "fish" are not two words that usually make sense together, but the stringrays totally make it work.

We fed them too. Their mouths on the underside turn into fantastic vacuums and just suck the food up.

Anyway... we also went to Six Flags, the City Museum, BB's Jazz Club and Mollie's Patio Bar. Oh and Ted Drewes for frozen custard.

It was awesome. Also, it's too damn hot tonight.
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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2015|07:54 am]

Who knew James Dean would drive a Mini Cooper?

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one song, before the sun sets [Jun. 25th, 2015|11:00 am]

Man, there’s just so much I want to talk about, but it never hits me when I’m at home and able to devote some time to writing. I wrote, briefly, about my attention problems that seem to be developing… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned about it. I know that multitasking is inefficient in most cases, but somehow it just FEELS better to be doing more than one thing in what little time I have.

Today I felt like a mechanical being, shuffling up the steps to work.

And as I did, I wished I weren’t so lazy and cautious, and grateful for what I have, so that I might start my own business or something.

Of course, it’s kind of like the kid thing – I don’t really think I care much about having kids, aside from the fact that I’m supposed to want to have kids and my friends and family want me to have kids. I don’t really think I care about being a slave to the wage, aside from the fact that I’m supposed to care about being a slave to the wage.

It’s at times like these that I reflect on the greatness that is time.

Time will make none of these anxieties matter. Time could glorify, or it could vilify… or as in nearly all cases, it could obscure completely and immediately.

Which then emerges a new, vain anxiety – the idea that nature and existence will always be around even when consciousness is not. Civilizations will continue to rise and fall, but will there ever be a time when our network and capabilities are so strong as to last through eternity? I don’t necessarily mean just humans, too. I mean some of those beings out there who might also have consciousness, now or in the unimaginably distant future. Or wow, in the past.

Could it be that we already made some sort of network? Maybe we were really close! Or maybe the network is still out there, and part of the network is that it just moves. Maybe someday the network, in its self-preservation, will move back here. Maybe it would just pass us by, humans being unequipped to handle the concept. Maybe there’s a graduation point for life forms, or maybe there are some life forms that are naturally bounded. Or maybe there’s a narrative that we fit within, and it’s just not our time to be told.

Personally, I like the romance of thinking that time travel is the test by which a civilization should join the network.

In this case, glorification would probably be the route to go (in hopes of a future revival, of course!), but if the above paragraph were the motivations behind the way I position myself then I’d be certifiably crazy. Also, when time still promises relief and obscurity, it’s hard to care enough to put in the energy. You could expend a lot – everything you have, in fact – and still fall short of glory.

It’s really not a good idea to dwell here, actually…

Time makes it hard to care, or to make decisions, or to fight. It’s so easy to be satisfied. So easy to be selfish. (O Victory.)

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they just can't kill the beast [Jun. 6th, 2015|02:22 pm]
Are you living up to your potential?

Are you proud of who you are?

Tomorrow we will all be the same selves that we are today, only exaggerated. Do you hear me? If you don't like what's happening in your life, things are going to get worse! But if you do just one little thing different today, just one little improvement, you will be better today and for the rest of your life. Let's start this thing moving. Let's claim that interest.

Someone hold me down. I might just float away.
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(no subject) [Jun. 4th, 2015|10:53 pm]
So much to say, but I should have written it all down when I wanted to say it.
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